Love is Not Perfect….

This spoken word video is lovely:

We often find ourselves disappointed by those we claim to love because we tend to expect perfection from others. However, when we are the imperfect ones, then we complain that others’ expectations are too unrealistic.

With the influence of Hollywood movies, openness of porn, plethora of romance novels and constant images of what love should be, it’s no wonder that we expect our love relationships to be something unrealistic. How often do we love ourselves? How often do we love unconditionally? How often do we say that we love another – whether romantically or platonically?

Probably not enough. Why? Is it because we are waiting for our love to be perfect? If we were to accept that there is no such thing as perfect love would that make a difference in sharing it with others and enjoying it in the moment?

Love is such a small word that carries so much weight in our lives. It has so much power in the world and yet it is something that we hold on to and keep away from its full potential. Imagine what a different place we would live in if we were to love freely! 😀

-The Universal Asian

Your Past Does Not Define Your Future

People have told me that they are amazed that I turned out the way that I have so far considering the past that I had. Some have asked me how I have overcome my struggles and the issues that come along with the past.

For me, it’s not about overcoming, but rather dealing with the past in a constructive way so that my future is always better.

Overcoming struggles and dealing with issues is a daily activity – there’s no quick fix. Each morning when we wake up we make the choice to let the past – even just yesterday – define us or to look towards the future using what we have learned from our past.

When we go through trying times, it is possible to let those times keep us back from a full future. How many times have we told ourselves, “Last time I didn’t come out of that so well, so why put myself in a situation for it to happen again?”  How many times have we held back from loving someone fully because a previous relationship we had did not end well and our hearts were broken?

Our brains are trained to protect us from pain. Therefore, when it occurs we tell ourselves to avoid similar situations as to prevent any possible future pain. However, while there may be signs to warn us of a potential problem there is not really proof that every similar situation will end the same. Rather, we are just preventing ourselves from a full future; thus a full life.

So, each day I try to choose to take it as a new opportunity to learn, grow and simply live. If I get hurt, then I learn and try again with different responses, actions and thoughts. Our past does not have to define our future. Are you willing to let go of the past to allow you for an amazing future?

-The Universal Asian

4. Being Universal in Vietnam

Being in Vietnam was a very interesting experience as an American and as an Asian.

It may be the first Asian country where I was not actually asked where I was from, but rather just assumed that I was from Vietnam. My travel companions were both white men, one from New Zealand and the other from the US. The Kiwi was pretty white while the American has a Mediterranean look although he is Mexican-American. In most cases people understood that I was not Vietnamese once I spoke, but on occasions I was just spoken to as their interpreter.

The difference between north and south Vietnam were subtle, but significant. It was surprising to realize that my father, who had fought in the war, had never seen the north – of course. It was easy to see how some might have fallen in love with the countryside and beach as the cities were just dirty and crowded. However, the nature there was beautiful.

In any case, the fact that I was CaucAsian was not really an issue here at all. Score for Vietnam! 😀

-The Universal Asian

3. Being Universal in the UAE – Part 1

It seems prudent that I should do some writing on being a Universal Asian in the country that I am currently living in.

When I first arrived to the United Arab Emirates (UAE), just over five years ago, it was a bit of a shock to my system. Having come from a nearly homogenous Asian country in terms of social economic status, as well as race, to a place that was clearly not that was more than overwhelming.

My first issue to come to terms with was the fact that most of the Asian women in the country were a) Filipinos working the retail or domestic industries; b) Chinese working as prostitutes under the guise of Chinese medicine/herbal remedies and special massages; or c) expat Asians from various countries who had or husband’s had business here.

Life in Japan was never easy, but I had grown accustomed to being considered Japanese. Plus, it is a fairly safe country where I never was concerned about leaving my bag or walking on the streets at any time of night. It was soon revealed to me that this was not going to be the way in my new place of residence.

It wasn’t long before I realized that I was considered merely a sexual object by the taxi drivers, Arab men who followed me from shops to shops or locals who drove in their cars slowly behind me down the straight with their fully tinted windows and sending out hissing noises as if that would attract me to them. It was the first time that I felt like an object since I was married to a porn addict.

For a few years it truly confused me and I lived in denial that this was the reality of how I was perceived. Many tried to tell me that ALL women are stared at and ALL foreigners are treated strangely. I tried to believe and accept that as truth. However, my experiences continued to be disturbing and eventually no one could say that those things were happening to them, I found that either I must be going crazy or something was really quite different about how I am perceived/treated as an Asian woman.

Admittedly, recent years have shown a decline in such behavior, though I also haven’t been going out alone or walking down the streets alone as I used to…. 😉

-The Universal Asian

Reflection

It’s a rainy morning today and it reminds me of being home in Oregon. The feeling that arises is both of nostalgia and also pensiveness.

This kind of weather used to always depress me; it still does to an extent, but now I appreciate it for a day or two.

It is days like these when I tend to become more reflective and aware of my life.

When do you feel the most reflective? Do you take time out of your life to step back and reassess where you are and where you are going? If you do not, what holds you back from it? If you do, what do you learn from it?

As an introvert, who spends more time in my head than out of it, I may reflect too much. However, it helps me to know myself better so that I can be the best person, friend, lover, teacher, daughter, or whomever I need to be.

Often we fear looking within, especially if we try to compare ourselves with others. We may think we are not good enough or that our struggles are so unique that it makes us better to hold on to them. Sometimes we even let negative energies define us claiming that they are necessary for us to be who we are. I know I have thought this way for a very long time in my life.

Surprisingly, or not so surprisingly, with the help of books like Eckhart Tolle’s _A New Earth_ and _Quiet_ by Susan Cain, I have learned that while our experiences are unique, our feelings and emotions are universal. Everyone has overcome something in their life – big or small. Everyone has felt alone or fears it. Everyone has worries. When we do not admit to these emotions, then we are only denying ourselves and keeping the best of who we are from being.

People, like me, with a heavy past can hold on to the darkness that formed in us to survive our experiences. I learned to push it deep inside and put on a happy face to survive. I pretended that I was a happy person and okay. On sunny days, I had no problems pretending. It was the cloudy and rainy days that caused a great deal of inner turmoil – how was I going to pretend to be happy when even the weather wasn’t? 😉

Over time, with help from friends, family and professionals, I have learned to let go. My reflection time now searches for aspects of my emotions or thoughts where I may not be letting go of the dark pieces or where there is potential for the darkness to return. As I work to stay in the light and surround myself in lightness, I find that the reflection in my mirrored ball begins to change revealing a person who is smiling from deep within.

-The Universal Asian

Raising Awareness

Yesterday, I came across this blog post, “Casual Remarks That Hurt:  Microaggression and Adoptive Families” written by a New York Times writer. It made me happy to see/read that the conversation is growing.

I also recalled the number of times as a child in my very white community someone would tell me that I spoke English really well or would look at my dad to ask what I wanted to order not thinking I could actually speak English. He would joke by explaining I was his daughter and then ask, “Don’t we look exactly alike?” 😉

These always seemed like harmless questions to my father and I would laugh it off most of the time. However, as I got older and found these comments shift to the “Where are you from? No, where are you REALLY from” questions, I recalled those from my younger days and realized that the attitude hadn’t changed, just the question.

While we tend to grow up thinking and learning that we are in a more diverse and open world than ever before, there is still so much more to learn and grow! The more aware we become, the better we can behave. 😀

-The Universal Asian

 

Is Your Pickle Sour?

Meditations by Marcus Aurelius is perhaps one of my favorite reads and had a profound impact on changing my view of the world.

Aurelius has been used as a foundation for the Stoic philosophy, but our modern understanding of stoicism makes his writings under-appreciated, in my mind. In the foundation of stoicism, the idea was to focus on people’s actions rather than their words. “Actions speak louder than words” finds it roots in the stoic philosophy. However, nowadays, we tend to equate stoicism with lack of emotions, which does not do justice to the belief that what you do says more about a person than what you say. It does not say that how you feel makes you less of a person.

One line from the translation I read stayed with me “Is your pickle sour? Then, throw it out!”

If we have a bad attitude or something is bothering us that we have the ability to change, then we should do so. We have a lot of control over our lives. We can choose to take actions that will make our situations better (in most cases); however, how often do we find it easier to whine and put the responsibility upon someone else?

So, what sour pickle do you have? Can you throw it? How will doing that positively affect your life?

-The Universal Asian

Judgments

We make judgments every day about what we determine is the right action to take in our lives. When we find that our judgments are correct we gain confidence in thinking that our way is the best or only way to go about living life. Unfortunately, we also apply this to makings judgments of other people. When we find our judgments are correct about a person, we tend to place them into a box never to let them out of it.

The problem is that, when we attempt to put our judgments upon other people assuming our way is the best way for them or our understanding of who they are in a particular moment is the only way they can be, we are not recognizing their own identity or accepting them as whole beings.

One absolute truth is that we can never know what it is like to be someone else. We may want to be someone else or think that we know someone so well that we are practically that person. However, at the end of the day, we are not that person.

Every judgment we make is a reflection of our own beliefs and values. Sometimes we might need to adjust our judgments, sometimes we might need to suspend them altogether.

This is not to say the act of judging is bad. We need to use our judgment for a number of aspects in our lives. Nowadays, we have placed a negative connotation to the word, but it is a necessary skill for decision-making in life. What we need to focus on is how we apply our judgments on actions rather than on people. Judging people tends to stop us from moving forward, whereas judging actions can help us to overcome obstacles in our lives.

So, how are you using your judgment? Is it to direct your life or to place people in a box?

-The Universal Asian

Pain or Pleasure?

So, I started reading Tony Robbins book given to me by a friend.

I haven’t gotten very far yet, but one of his points is about what we perceive as pleasurable or painful. By these two perceptions we are driven to either do something or not do something in our lives. Understanding which one we associate with various tasks or aspects of our lives will help us to either overcome or accept.

For example, I have been dragging my heels on working on my dissertation. I know I have some fear of the final bits towards finishing, so I have found it more pleasurable to live with the constant awareness that I should finish the thing than the potentially painful process of finishing. There is, of course, nothing to say that it will be painful – I just somehow think it will be and so I procrastinate to avoid the potential. Strange.

If I were to simply (easy to say) find a way to see the process of finishing more pleasurable and that finally having my doctorate will provide me with great pleasure, then I can motivate myself to complete it. This is my current goal.

What in your life are you avoiding because you think or associate pain with it? Is there some way for you to change the association so that you face it fully and can you imagine the pleasure that will come from facing it?

-The Universal Asian

What’s in a Name?

It may come across that I am overly aware of the difference in races or overly sensitive to being questioned along certain lines, but growing up in a small town where the only other minorities kept to themselves, and later realizing that I’m not actually white (:D) has made me more sensitive and keenly aware of people’s curious intentions. Plus, my travel experiences and various conversations have yet to prove my sensitivity wrong.

For example, I was out and met some British people the other night. My name, Tara, is of Irish origin and the woman I met was Irish. At first, it seemed innocent enough that she would ask me how I got my name. It was a strange question anyway – I mean how does one get a name? Was someone in my family Irish somehow? I simply replied that my mother gave it to me – wondering if there was more to the question….

This brought up an interesting new area of confusion. I received the name Tara from my first adoptive mother. I do not know why the family chose that name. My mother now has Irish heritage, but probably would not have called me Tara. So, it was a moment of confusion…. My name is just my name.

Although I am generally wary of people’s questioning of my background, I actually tried not to think much beyond the issue of my name with her questions. However, as time went on, she came out with what I had suspected was her real purpose in the initial question – how does an Asian girl (with assumingly Asian parents) get an Irish name? It was then that I had to explain that I was adopted and have no Irish connections at all. There was a silent pause as I watched the wheels turn in trying to fully understand this – of course, a bit of liquor probably didn’t help the faculties. She finally turned to the question of where I was from then. Luckily, we were on our way out at that point.

It was more curious to have this conversation with white British people living in a foreign country than it is with locals of a country. It still continues to surprise me at the need for humans to be placed into tribes….

-The Universal Asian